Horrorscope

 

TAURUS
(April 20 to May 20)

Check for a slow leak in your rear tire and don’t be surprised if you discover more than two punctures along with a leaking valve.

Try to keep your spirits up while cutting your hands on the sprocket.

Defer decisions to purchase new tubes until after sunset.

GEMINI
(May 21 to June 20)

Your decision to change from a two-stroke to a four-stroke is not wise at this time; reconsider at all costs.

Take advantage of Spectro Oil’s additive sale.

Next week you will meet a tall dark salesperson who will try to sell you a large, low mileage motorcycle, insisting it had only been ridden inside TV studios by Jay Leno.

They may forget to remove the radar detector.

CANCER
(June 21 to July 21)

Dreaming of a Triumph that weighs only 168 pounds indicates a desire to live on the moon.

NASA shuttle #334 may be the answer to your dreams.

The poor performance of your motorcycle is caused by numerous large denomination bills sucked into the airbox after your rich uncle took it for a ride.

LEO
(July 22 to August 22)

Trimming your hair short and growing a moustache to look as cute as Mike Lafferty will only work if you practice a lot.

Keep your Blue Cross paid up.

Never underestimate the power of a woman—especially if she has the keys to your van.

Artwork by Mr. Jensen

VIRGO
(August 23 to September 22)

Realize your full potential by developing new projects; adding a reverse gear to a dirt motorcycle has marvelous possibilities.

As long as you’re in the gearbox, fix up a neutral we can find when the clutch is dragging.

Dick Burleson, Jeff Fredette, Mike Melton and Randy Hawkins are Virgos—what have you done lately?

LIBRA
(September 23 to October 22)

Diplomacy is the key this month. It was also the key last month. If your club is handing out two-dollar trophies at a $15 enduro, don’t answer the phone.

Be especially wary when riding in front of anyone who owes you more than $2,000.

Try to remember that your gas reserve only works one time.

SCORPIO
(October 23 to November 21)

You will experience a great sense of well-being on Saturdays. Don’t worry about it, it will go away when you ride in deep sand on Sundays.

Make no large purchases until the end of the month; if you need a new chain and sprockets try to make new friends. And remember to carry a rope.

SAGITTARIUS
(November 22 to December 20)

The planets are in line for a successful top-end rebuild.

The man who borrowed your ring compressor has a first name beginning with M.

Or it may be a W.

Missing six-millimeter Allen bolts can be found in the vacuum cleaner bag until Saturday; after that it’s “Goodbye Charlie.”

You’ll hear the phrase “You shouldn’t have left them lying around” many, many times.

CAPRICORN
(December 21 to January 19)

Hitting trees constantly with the left handlebar indicates you should see an optician who specializes in the left eye. Or it may just be worn swingarm bushings causing your problem.

The man who borrowed your torque wrench has a last name that begins with a W. Or it may be an M.

Some of the planets reverse direction you know.

It will not be wise to cash your paycheck at a motorcycle dealership this week.

AQUARIUS
(January 20 to February 17)

Never argue with KTM riders. They might not always be right but they’re never wrong.

Choose new friends carefully; a motorcycle shop service manager is always a good choice.

At the finish of your next three-day qualifier, you will develop monkey butt in the same lovely shade of blue as a baboon’s ass.

PISCES
(February 18 to March 19)

Sorry, you folks will just have to live with the unexpected this month. I had everything charted out on graph paper, but then the cat went and peed on it and the ink ran.

The cat is a Libra, as you might suspect.

ARIES
(March 20 to April 19)

Your future is exceptionally cloudy this month; planet alignment is right down the tubes, so don’t even roll your motorcycle out of the van.

This story originally appeared in our March 2018 issue, which you can read in all its original high-res glory here.

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